Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my brothers and sisters out there. I thank God for the gift He gave freely to all of us. It may sound cliche' but it truly is the MOST important thing to remember that Christmas is not just a day where we give all our family members and close friends all these gifts that we stayed up til midnight on Christmas Eve trying to get wrapped, it is a day that we celebrate because GOD CAME to the Earth in order to show us a supernatural love and to save us from our own flesh and blood. PRAISE GOD FOR HIS LOVE. He truly is inspirational like no other. As I remember the birth of my savior today, I contemplate everything He represented as He was born to a teenage girl in a stable. He, God of all the world allowed Himself to become a helpless baby in order to save those He loved so much. I'm so grateful for that. This morning I opened up presents, and gave presents, and got to be with my family in our warm house, and our very unusual and nontraditional Mexican feast is being cooked downstairs. I feel so blessed, and guilty that we have once again had a year of overabundant blessing, and have not given any of it away. My little brother (who, by the way is only 11 and I'm SO PROUD OF HIM) and I often talk about how we want to change things in the world, and we've both decided that our Christmases involve TOO much getting, when truly the giving is what it was all about. I can't wait until next Christmas! I pray God gives you a vision this new year to see things changed around you, that He gives you new hopes and dreams, and the strength and courage and a way to carry all these things out. Happy Birthday, Jesus! :)

Tears over the lost

My God my God, my heart is for the fatherless. The orphan in natural and in spirit. All I desire in my life is to bring Your love to them.

The truth is, when I look into the face of those kids, there is no place that I see Jesus more clearly. Maybe that, although selfish as it may be, is the place I found God. Isn't that where we're all searching for? That one place where we can feel and see and know the heart of God better than anywhere else? To feel his love? Many many MANY nights I have cried bitter tears since I have been home at what I've had to return to. I struggled to allow myself to feel loved by Him because all I could think about is how much I knew He loved China. How much He loved every one of those kids whether they made it from that ditch in the pouring rain to the orphanage or not. Honestly I came to the point in my life where I had to decide whether or not I was going to "take my faith with me" as I set out in my life to really grow up into the person I'm going to be. I know for certain that if I hadn't had those experiences in China, such sweet moments where all I could feel was me and Him even if there were ten other people in the room, I wouldn't be able to struggle through these doubts and not give up. I'm not giving up. I refuse to give up. No matter how bad it gets. The only other option is to be completely alone in my struggles. I'd be stupid to choose that. I'm done running. I just want to be back in the place that I belong with God. I want to be healed from everything I've gone through this year and I want to know how to LOVE like I've never loved before. Ever. I know I'm just a struggling foolish child, but the good thing is I know He's standing over me smiling and delighting in me and all the good He sees, all the potential, all the things I WILL be, and the fact that my heart truly does desire Him. THAT is all that matters to Him, and it is good to feel relief, to feel free in Him again.