The truth is, when I look into the face of those kids, there is no place that I see Jesus more clearly. Maybe that, although selfish as it may be, is the place I found God. Isn't that where we're all searching for? That one place where we can feel and see and know the heart of God better than anywhere else? To feel his love? Many many MANY nights I have cried bitter tears since I have been home at what I've had to return to. I struggled to allow myself to feel loved by Him because all I could think about is how much I knew He loved China. How much He loved every one of those kids whether they made it from that ditch in the pouring rain to the orphanage or not. Honestly I came to the point in my life where I had to decide whether or not I was going to "take my faith with me" as I set out in my life to really grow up into the person I'm going to be. I know for certain that if I hadn't had those experiences in China, such sweet moments where all I could feel was me and Him even if there were ten other people in the room, I wouldn't be able to struggle through these doubts and not give up. I'm not giving up. I refuse to give up. No matter how bad it gets. The only other option is to be completely alone in my struggles. I'd be stupid to choose that. I'm done running. I just want to be back in the place that I belong with God. I want to be healed from everything I've gone through this year and I want to know how to LOVE like I've never loved before. Ever. I know I'm just a struggling foolish child, but the good thing is I know He's standing over me smiling and delighting in me and all the good He sees, all the potential, all the things I WILL be, and the fact that my heart truly does desire Him. THAT is all that matters to Him, and it is good to feel relief, to feel free in Him again.
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